Advice for parents: calm yourself down

Help your child by calming down

If your child hates tests, life is hard for your child and for you. You worry along with them when they become severely anxious for any reason. You are frustrated when they won’t study. You believe you have failed as a parent when their test scores are lower than their peers’. You might be intensely angry at the school system—if not the whole culture—for putting so much weight on testing. It shouldn’t make your child suffer or put you in the position of worrying for them.

As the stress rises and your child’s performance worsens, you probably feel hopeless and helpless. You want to do something to…

make it all easier, but all you can do is shrug your shoulders. You need to learn how to help your child and this book provides you with a method.

Even if your kids are in college and supposedly out of your hands, they might still need some assistance from you if they continue to struggle with test issues. The information in this chapter will help you understand their long-standing problems. If your child is in primary or middle school, your sensitivity to the issues and knowing how to resolve them can make a big difference now and in the years to come.

As a parent, it is very easy to pick up on what your child feels and start feeling the same way yourself. (Also, of course, you have your own adult problems to cope with.) If your child is anxious, or sad, or angry you may quickly begin feeling the same thing even if you were feeling quite calm just moments before. In psychology we call this the “induced reaction”—you are induced into your child’s state. This is a very human response, especially with people who are close with one another like parent and child. You increase your chances of reducing your child’s stress if you learn how to keep yourself calm no matter what is going on with them.

Start by using the 3 tools for calming down: breathing, grounding and sensing.  Breathing means just that: keep your breath deep and steady.  Notice first, when you’re talking to your child about taking tests (the SATs are coming up!), or when you’re thinking about your child taking a test, that your breath probably becomes erratic. Actually, what you’ll notice first is that you feel amped up or anxious. That’s a sign you are not breathing deeply and steadily. So start there. Get your breath going down to your belly. Send it down to your lower back. Keep this going as you think about the test or as your child is going on (or being oblivious to) the test.  That’s right, just breathe. Deeply, steadily, continuously. You’ll see and feel what an enormous difference this can make– to you (you’ll feel calmer) and to your child (who’s amped up enough already and doesn’t need your anxiety in the picture too). Try it. I guarantee it works.

What are your struggles as a parent when your child struggles with tests?